Last week was the anniversary of my mum’s death. She was taken far too early from us, at just 61 years old. My mum’s death still hits me like a brick. I far too often still go to call her and tell her the latest household drama or bit of good news. Going from talking to someone at least once everyday to never again (at least definitely not two way conversations, and part of me is scared to even talk to her at all in case she actually answers) has made me feel the loneliest I have ever felt in my life. Her dying has left the biggest hole in my heart and so far it’s not getting any easier…time, yes time I know but she has been gone a year already. It only seems like yesterday. I feel so sad…for her, for me, for my children and for the rest of the family.
I’ve been trying to keep busy but as I sit and write this, the lump in my throat is there and I want to cry…sometimes your mum is the only person that can make things right and I just feel that nothing is ever going to be right again. Her death has made me think about things deeply this past year, I can’t help but wonder what ‘it’s’ all about. I can’t even explain what the ‘it’ is…
Anyway, I’m still studying away although I have managed to get two weeks behind on one of my modules. I submitted two assignments last week , one on Antony, and the other on Cézanne but I was not very happy about either. Starting to doubt myself…
However, I got my first social sciences assignment back and was absolutely thrilled with the result but I am now feeling the pressure with the next one for this module. I attended a tutorial for this module at the weekend and felt completely out of my depth when others in the class started talking vocalizing their very strong opinions on consumerism. I snuck out before anyone spotted the brand of my bag and prayed that my iPhone didn’t ping letting the world know that I actually owned one.
I have been taking small steps to try and dig myself out of this black hole, less alcohol (it’s a depressant), no sugar (another depressant) lose weight (so I don’t feel quite so crap about myself) keep busy (doing my degree and have joined a choir) etc, etc…
I am already panicking a bit about everything…I don’t seem to have time to keep on top of anything. The house work is piling up (wish I could afford a cleaner) Christmas is looming; the holidays even sooner. I am supposed to be at four parents evenings all on the same night this week (why???) and feeling guilty about not being able to go to all of them. Yes, so feeling slightly frazzled and sorry for myself at the moment but then I read the news…
Anyway, no more ramblings; course books to read, house to clean, dinner to cook.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, I know nothing anyone says can really help but it took me at least 5 years to really deal with my Dad’s death. You can’t expect to get over these things quickly, it’s a huge, scary life change and you need to be kind to yourself.
Good luck with the degree.
Thanks very much for your kind words…yes still early days I suppose. Just miss her so much. 🙁 X
I read a brilliant book about loss – although it was a fictional book it said that you had to go through a year of the person been ‘gone’ before you can even start to deal with it. That you have to have one full year of them not being at all the things they should be at before you can look to process.
Sending a hug!
Thanks Lauranne, I can understand that…each milestone felt huge this year. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
I honestly cannot imagine how you must be feeling but I am thinking of you.
Thank you, I appreciate your thoughts. X
Oh sweetie! I’m sending you loads of hugs and love. No, it isn’t easy. And adding the stress of school, the upcoming holidays, etc makes it even harder.
Thanks Gigi. Just so wish she was here. 🙁 X
I’m so sorry Nova, and I think the first anniversary is particularly hard. Time will help to ease the pain, and you’ll find your own ways of coping but I still miss my mum everyday, 6 years after she died.
You’re doing so well, dealing with so much, and I’m sure your mum would be proud. Xx
Thanks Jean, sorry you miss your mum too. 🙁 XX
Nova – as you know, I lost Mum when she was the same age (8 years ago) so I can totally relate to everything you’ve posted. It’s perfectly normal to feel exactly how you feel. I don’t know if that helps at all … but I went and did a degree after Mum died, I felt panicky about everything, that I wasn’t doing anything well enough and some days I just cried. All day. It ‘does’ get easier, I promise you, but please don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re doing a great job and there is no rush to suddenly be able to cope better. As each day passes, it’ll get a ‘little’ easier.
Thanks Kate, it’s good to know that I’m not going mad and that the way I feel is normal. It’s so hard isn’t it. Thanks for taking the time to write a comment, it has really helped and reassured me. x