I have just been hit by a bus…

 

Exactly a year ago today I received the news that would change my life for ever and sadly my mum’s. I kept a diary during this awful time and just reading it now makes me cry but I need to share this and more. In the days before Mother’s day I still cannot believe that I will never talk to my mum again, that we will never hug, that I will never be able to buy her little presents like I did…

Candles
Tuesday 6th March 2012
I’ve been trying to talk to my mum all day but with no luck and then at 8.30pm the phone rings “I’ve got some bad news to tell you” my heart starts pounding and I can hear the blood whooshing in my ears. In that split second I don’t imagine the words I hear next. “I have lung cancer” what? The blood pounds harder in my ears blocking out the words I hear next from my mum. My mum? She’s just told me she has cancer? I can’t believe it. How? Why? It’s the last thing I expect. I feel as though I’ve been hit by a bus. Wham! She tells me that she was hoping to tell me that “haha” she thought she may have cancer but she doesn’t,  but she can’t.
When did this all happen? She had an X-ray weeks ago…why only now, why has it taken so long to get an appointment? She tells me she’s been to the hospital since and that the doctor rang her at work the day after she had the X-ray to tell her that she had a mass on her lung. “Why didn’t you tell me?!”  “I didn’t want to burden you with it you have enough to worry about”, she says. I feel angry, she should have told me, I could have been there…this can’t be happening. I stay calm…I don’t want to cry on the phone, after all it’s not me that has cancer. It’s not me that is going to have to go through all the treatment the coming months. She is crying. I try to stay strong but I can feel a lump forming in my throat and I start shaking. She tells me that she’s sorry…sorry for what? Sorry she has cancer? I don’t really want to talk about it…she tells me that she is going into hospital tomorrow for a biopsy.
I get off the phone and don’t know what to do…13 year old daughter is outside, I have to tell her, I need to talk to someone. I break down and cry as I tell her that Nanna has cancer.She holds me while I sob…she is crying. I feel bad, I shouldn’t have told her but I can’t keep this secret on my own.
I tell the boys separately.  Son 2 has tears in his eyes so I cuddle him tightly. Son 1 actually hugs me tightly but doesn’t ask any questions.
I spend the rest of the evening staring into space, sometimes crying but mainly feeling numb.I also spend hours googling lung cancer, symptoms, diagnosis, treatment and statistics. I can’t believe I missed this, why on earth didn’t I give lung cancer one thought when I knew mum was ill. It’s not like me and I can’t understand it.
What will I do without my mum! How will I cope? That’s so selfish.
Lung Cancer is the biggest cancer killer of women in the UK

16 Comments

  1. I have just read your blog – I am so sorry i didnt know you better then and wasnt a better support to you when you first knew about this. You are truly amazing to have gone through all that you have and i know you still have so much to do …but im here now and im sure you mum is watching and doing her best for you too xx

    Reply
    • Thank you xx

      Reply
  2. I am so sorry. Just sending you lots of love xx

    Reply
    • Thank you Liz, that’s really kind of you. x

      Reply
  3. You are in my thoughts, take care x

    Reply
    • Thank you Sandy . XX

      Reply
  4. Sending you hugs, I miss my Mum who died when I was 19. There is no-one like Mum’s and this post makes me feel sad for you, me and everyone who life is affected by cancer. My sister died 2 months ago tomorrow of it. Hate the word, hate the thought and pray one day for a cure.

    Thinking of you x x x

    Reply
    • That’s such a young age to lose your mum, I cannot imagine it. I am so sorry to hear about your sister too. Awful, awful! Take care. x

      Reply
    • Thank you for reading Mrs Style at every Age. XX

      Reply
  5. I’m so sorry.

    Reply
    • Thank you, I appreciate you reading. x

      Reply
  6. Oh sweetie. Reading this made me cry – for all of you. Sending you lots of hugs and love. I know how hard it must be. xo

    Reply
    • Sorry to make you cry, it’s a hard week and then Mother’s day and I think it’s just starting to hit…thank you. xx

      Reply
  7. Oh darling, there are no words that will make this better or easier. Sending you love & hugs xx

    Reply
    • Thanks Claire. :( XX

      Reply

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>