Exactly a year ago today I received the news that would change my life for ever and sadly my mum’s. I kept a diary during this awful time and just reading it now makes me cry but I need to share this and more. In the days before Mother’s day I still cannot believe that I will never talk to my mum again, that we will never hug, that I will never be able to buy her little presents like I did…
Tuesday 6th March 2012
I’ve been trying to talk to my mum all day but with no luck and then at 8.30pm the phone rings “I’ve got some bad news to tell you” my heart starts pounding and I can hear the blood whooshing in my ears. In that split second I don’t imagine the words I hear next. “I have lung cancer” what? The blood pounds harder in my ears blocking out the words I hear next from my mum. My mum? She’s just told me she has cancer? I can’t believe it. How? Why? It’s the last thing I expect. I feel as though I’ve been hit by a bus. Wham! She tells me that she was hoping to tell me that “haha” she thought she may have cancer but she doesn’t, but she can’t.
When did this all happen? She had an X-ray weeks ago…why only now, why has it taken so long to get an appointment? She tells me she’s been to the hospital since and that the doctor rang her at work the day after she had the X-ray to tell her that she had a mass on her lung. “Why didn’t you tell me?!” “I didn’t want to burden you with it you have enough to worry about”, she says. I feel angry, she should have told me, I could have been there…this can’t be happening. I stay calm…I don’t want to cry on the phone, after all it’s not me that has cancer. It’s not me that is going to have to go through all the treatment the coming months. She is crying. I try to stay strong but I can feel a lump forming in my throat and I start shaking. She tells me that she’s sorry…sorry for what? Sorry she has cancer? I don’t really want to talk about it…she tells me that she is going into hospital tomorrow for a biopsy.
I get off the phone and don’t know what to do…13 year old daughter is outside, I have to tell her, I need to talk to someone. I break down and cry as I tell her that Nanna has cancer.She holds me while I sob…she is crying. I feel bad, I shouldn’t have told her but I can’t keep this secret on my own.
I tell the boys separately. Son 2 has tears in his eyes so I cuddle him tightly. Son 1 actually hugs me tightly but doesn’t ask any questions.
I spend the rest of the evening staring into space, sometimes crying but mainly feeling numb.I also spend hours googling lung cancer, symptoms, diagnosis, treatment and statistics. I can’t believe I missed this, why on earth didn’t I give lung cancer one thought when I knew mum was ill. It’s not like me and I can’t understand it.
What will I do without my mum! How will I cope? That’s so selfish.