Happy New Year to you all!

I have to say this was probably one new year’s eve that I didn’t want to celebrate and I am very hesitant to wish for a better year in 2013 considering my track record for the past four new year’s eve’s. Yes life last year didn’t exactly go the way I was hoping. In fact this time last year I nor anyone else in my family had any inkling that my mum was dying, not even she herself. I am struggling I have to admit and I may just be near my rock bottom, if it is possible that I haven’t reached it before, all things considering over the last few years. That is can I feel any worse than I have done at times in recent years.

My mum was only 61 years old…in this day and age far too young to leave us, I still can’t believe it. She didn’t deserve this.

I have always tried to focus on the positives in life, I am a believer in positive thinking but when you keep being knocked down everytime you pick yourself up it begins to get that little bit harder to stay positive and see through the thick fog I seem to be perpetually wading through…

At the moment I don’t have the resources to help anyone else, I am doing everything I can to stay standing…and then I feel guilty for being ‘selfish’ and thinking only of myself. And please excuse this self absorbed post because of course no one else has ever lost their mum, or dad, or son or daughter before.

I know I am lucky to have five healthy children, I really do…but I feel I don’t dare say that too loudly in case whoever seems to have it in for me changes that too…I grimace as I write. I’m not taking anything for granted.

Once again it’s an uncertain future for the children and I, we face another house move in the next few months ( the third in 18 months ) and I genuinely don’t know where we will live or how we will be rehoused…I feel embarrassed and ashamed to be in this position. Son number one will go travelling ( oh to be 18 again ) and then off to university in the autumn….life goes on.

However, I face the year without my mum, she doesn’t get to see her grandchildren grow up, I don’t get to talk to her on the phone every single day…or ever again. I may live in a house with five children but I don’t think I have ever felt so alone as I do now.

This post makes me feel very exposed but I am hoping it will help me to get it out…please be gentle with me I really am trying to still stay positive. X

My Mum

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33 thoughts on “A new year, new beginnings…I can but only hope

  1. I can only imagine what it must have been like, losing her (mum) and the past few years for you and the kids. But remember, you haven’t lost her, she just has stepped into the next room, a safer one, and it is easier than you think, keeping in contact. You are a very strong, intelligent, beautiful woman. Here, if you need me. Lots of hugs, love your blog xxx

    Posted on February 6, 2013 at 10:39 pm
  2. Sorry it’s taken me so long to comment on this post, having a long overdue blog catch up this evening. It’s been an awfully trying year for you and I won’t pretend to know what you’ve been going through. I hope sharing helps ease the pain a little, sending hugs and wishes for good things coming your way xox

    Posted on January 16, 2013 at 10:11 pm
    1. Thank you Lisa I really appreciate your kind words. Thank you for finding the time to read this. XX

      Posted on January 22, 2013 at 1:18 pm
  3. Oh darling. I am so sorry. Losing a parent at such a young age is cruel and horrible. Sending much love and strength to you. You are amazing and even if you don’t feel it right now you’re one of the strongest people I’ve met – and an inspiration to me. Much love, and you know where I am if you want to shout/wail/moan. xxxx

    Posted on January 11, 2013 at 6:55 pm
    1. Rachael thank you so much for your kind words, it means a lot. X

      Posted on January 14, 2013 at 10:24 am
  4. I came across your blog via Looking for Blue Sky. It is truly awful to lose your mum. It sounds like she was your best friend and I know the heart ache of not being able to talk to her every day but you still can. In your quiet moments speak out loud to her as if she is still there, it really helped me. I would laugh at myself at times cos who’d have thought I’d actually talk to myself! Writing it all down helps too, just like you did on your blog. You have the right to these feelings and it isn’t weak to feel them. I, at times felt like I was walking through treacle and there seemed no pleasure in anything but slowly I found myself laughing at little things again. Keep just putting one foot in front of the other. (((hugs)))

    Posted on January 11, 2013 at 6:34 pm
    1. Thank you LyndyLou I will take up your advice and I am sorry you have been through it too. X

      Posted on January 14, 2013 at 10:24 am
  5. Hugs lovely, here for you always if you ever need someone to chat to. xxx

    Posted on January 7, 2013 at 6:33 pm
    1. Thanks Susan. XXX

      Posted on January 10, 2013 at 8:51 pm
  6. Oh gosh, I’m not sure what to say, but sending you lots of positive thoughts. xxx

    Posted on January 6, 2013 at 3:55 pm
    1. Thank you. X

      Posted on January 10, 2013 at 8:51 pm
  7. So sorry to hear about the loss of your mother and how difficult the past year has been. Wishing you lots of better times around the corner as you try to come to terms with things and hope you feel a little bit stronger every day, xx

    Posted on January 6, 2013 at 12:54 am
    1. Thank you, I really do appreciate your kind words. x

      Posted on January 10, 2013 at 8:50 pm
  8. Fingers and toes crossed that 2013 brings you a little more luck and happiness xxx

    Posted on January 5, 2013 at 11:43 pm
    1. Thank you, I am crossing them. X

      Posted on January 10, 2013 at 8:50 pm
  9. My adore dmum passed away 2 years ago now…it broke my heart. I do know how you are feeling and I am so sorry you are hurting like this. Big hugs in time the happy memories shove some of the sadness to the side and its true what they say you feel the loss becuase you felt the love x

    Posted on January 5, 2013 at 4:22 pm
    1. Oh I am sorry Becky…it’s such an awful feeling isn’t it. I just feel so angry with the world at the moment. xx

      Posted on January 10, 2013 at 8:50 pm
  10. Oh love…..I really feel for you…I know exactly what you are going through, my worst year was 1998, my wonderful dad was diagnosed with a brain tumour whilst I was 29 weeks pregnant with triplets…..the loss was immense…..even now nearly 15 years later it still hits me. Grief is a funny thing and will make you do and say odd things…..just go with the flow…..sending you strength and love to get through xxxxx

    Posted on January 5, 2013 at 11:17 am
    1. Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment, that must have been awful for you. I suppose it’s still early days but as you say it will never go. X

      Posted on January 10, 2013 at 8:49 pm
  11. You are the bravest and strongest person I know. You will get through the coming weeks and months. I’ve said it time and time again that I am always here and will do all I can to support you. Everything you feel is normal and make sure you make time for yourself. Pigeon steps my darling. You will find peace and the happiness you deserve. Lots of love x x x

    Posted on January 5, 2013 at 4:12 am
    1. Thank you, very much. XX

      Posted on January 10, 2013 at 8:48 pm
  12. Oh sweetie! I know exactly how you feel; that whole “the hits keep on coming” thing. The only thing I can say to to keep going. Eventually things will begin to look better. There may be days where it’s one step forward and three steps back; but eventually.

    You were so blessed to have such a wonderful relationship with your mom. You really were. Cherish those memories. In time, they will give you comfort. I love that picture of her. She truly was a beautiful woman.

    Don’t feel selfish about coming here and venting. This is YOUR space. This is a safe place for you to come and find support. Never forget that. And, as always, I’m only an email away (although, it has changed).

    I’m keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers. Much love. xx

    Posted on January 5, 2013 at 1:05 am
    1. Thank you Gigi, it just hits me when I am least expecting it, I still cannot believe she is gone. X

      Posted on January 10, 2013 at 8:47 pm
  13. Sending you lots of love and hugs from Dublin, am hoping that you will find more security and support in 2013 xxx

    Posted on January 5, 2013 at 12:15 am
    1. Thank you once again for your support, it means a lot. x

      Posted on January 10, 2013 at 8:47 pm
  14. I wish you all the best for this coming year. Keep putting one put in front of the other and you’ll get where you need to be.

    Posted on January 4, 2013 at 11:35 pm
    1. Thank you, I really do appreciate your kind words. x

      Posted on January 10, 2013 at 8:46 pm
  15. I don’t know what to say but send love and hugs

    Posted on January 4, 2013 at 5:29 pm
    1. Thank you, that’s really kind of you. x

      Posted on January 10, 2013 at 8:46 pm
  16. Sending my love x

    Posted on January 4, 2013 at 2:02 pm
    1. Awww Sandy I miss you, was thinking about you the other day. Hope you are all well. And thank you. x

      Posted on January 4, 2013 at 2:19 pm
  17. Much love and strength to you.

    Posted on January 4, 2013 at 12:45 pm
    1. Thank you Jax. X

      Posted on January 4, 2013 at 2:18 pm