Happy New Year to you all!
I have to say this was probably one new year’s eve that I didn’t want to celebrate and I am very hesitant to wish for a better year in 2013 considering my track record for the past four new year’s eve’s. Yes life last year didn’t exactly go the way I was hoping. In fact this time last year I nor anyone else in my family had any inkling that my mum was dying, not even she herself. I am struggling I have to admit and I may just be near my rock bottom, if it is possible that I haven’t reached it before, all things considering over the last few years. That is can I feel any worse than I have done at times in recent years.
My mum was only 61 years old…in this day and age far too young to leave us, I still can’t believe it. She didn’t deserve this.
I have always tried to focus on the positives in life, I am a believer in positive thinking but when you keep being knocked down everytime you pick yourself up it begins to get that little bit harder to stay positive and see through the thick fog I seem to be perpetually wading through…
At the moment I don’t have the resources to help anyone else, I am doing everything I can to stay standing…and then I feel guilty for being ‘selfish’ and thinking only of myself. And please excuse this self absorbed post because of course no one else has ever lost their mum, or dad, or son or daughter before.
I know I am lucky to have five healthy children, I really do…but I feel I don’t dare say that too loudly in case whoever seems to have it in for me changes that too…I grimace as I write. I’m not taking anything for granted.
Once again it’s an uncertain future for the children and I, we face another house move in the next few months ( the third in 18 months ) and I genuinely don’t know where we will live or how we will be rehoused…I feel embarrassed and ashamed to be in this position. Son number one will go travelling ( oh to be 18 again ) and then off to university in the autumn….life goes on.
However, I face the year without my mum, she doesn’t get to see her grandchildren grow up, I don’t get to talk to her on the phone every single day…or ever again. I may live in a house with five children but I don’t think I have ever felt so alone as I do now.
This post makes me feel very exposed but I am hoping it will help me to get it out…please be gentle with me I really am trying to still stay positive. X